I received a letter in the mail today from a high school friend who I haven't heard from in a few years. The last I heard she was getting married and I was to be a bridesmaid... that never canvassed out. But I read now that she has a lil baby. It's such an odd feeling to have a friend my age who has done all that so far! We are going to get together for coffee and I'm really excited!! I was nervous as I am not the person I used to be at high school, weight increase etc. But then really friends don't really "see" that. This is a friend who I have known the longest. I'd dare say 22/23 yrs. And that's how old I am! we were born in the same hospital and christened by the same minister, went to the same pre-school, primary school and high school. Same TAFE. In high school we had many classes together one of which was German and in grade 9 our german teacher was the minister who christened us!
I think this is one lady who when we see each other it's not like meeting a person for the first time, but seeing a friend who I spoke to yesterday. (even if it is 2yrs since we last spoke). We were smsing and she had to go to feed her son and it was surreal! To hear/read she had to go feed her baby. HER BABY! I have friends who are parents who are younger than me, and married. But I don't know them as well as I know this lady, so it's more mind-boggling than usual. I think just the idea that i grew up with her and probably at some time we planned to live together and stuff along that lines just blows my mind. To see in her writing (which i recognise!!!) son and husband *brain implodes* . I think I am starting to realise just how old I am. I'm 22. Not 12 or 17. I don't feel 22, but then I've never known what 22 is supposed to feel like.
There was a lady at church who when I met her was just turning 21 and getting married within the several weeks. Here are these people around my age. Married, having kids and I'm running around foot loose and fancy-free! I don't have the urge to roll over and get married. To change my spots and wear "his". Who really knows how to feel at 22? There isn't a guide book for me. Sometimes I ponder life as a non-believer, before I made this decision to follow Jesus. I can predict I'd either be dead, or have several children maybe even married *faints*. Please don't get offended but I just know from the situations that I have been placed in, had I not been a christian, I'd no longer be a virgin and the people who I would have had sex with, well.... It just boggles my mind! I have no idea what my real point is here, just rambling I guess. I don't ever really ask myself coulda, woulda or shoulda. Because I know what I would have been like.
Reflection inspired by a letter from a friend. Strange reflections. But I sometimes wonder would it have been and easier life with Jesus or harder? Is my life as hard with Jesus as I imagine it to be? Or do I just over-think things. I dont think having children or sex is a wrong thing to do, getting married or separating from a spouse under the right circumstances. I just cant imagine me as who I am right now, to have done any of these things. My friends who have done these things are certainly braver than I, in these matters. In fact anyone who has!
Does anyone else ever ponder what there life had been like had they not made certains decisions? Not regret, as in I wish I had done this. But just wondered if I decided to do this where would I be now? I guess like sliding doors but not so mushy. Curiousity in this case won't kill the cat. I ponder what my life would have been like had I stayed with my ex-boyfriend, would I have an 7-8yr old? (side note: from the way my family works we are so fertile that some women in our family just have to look at a man and they are pregnant, going on theory if it's a genetic thing... well you get the logic. I predict from that theory that had i ever had unprotected sex, the result would have been a baby or two. did i also mention my mum's side of the family are well-known for multiple births lol) Maybe my part of my "ok-ness" to wait comes from my ovaries and uterus not wanting to be used for the other natural purpose just yet!
Am I just nutty? That the natural "in built" urge to have children has turned around to the feeling of absolute terror whenever anyone mentions baby and my name in the same sentence? I am just getting ok with the idea of marrying someone one day. Sharing my bed with someone is the next thing I have to work through. In about 5-10yrs I may be ready to even think about a relationship. Children! Please refrain from mentioning my uterus being used for baby production. If I could break out in hives, I would at the idea of owning a pet! A fish even causes some anxiety. I guess my thought would be how do people do it (ignore the pun) i am refering to having children, getting married? Or even just having a boyfriend/girlfriend? I tried it once, thought I would try it again a few times (see previous post) Men are just too hard to work out. Men think women are hard to understand... I am a woman and I don't understand them (chicks)! Men, well now I have learnt that I have a misconception about them, I believed they were the oppposite to women(chicks), easy to understand, honest and straight forward, but I think that is only to fellow men.
I must explain something though. A friend and I came up with a definition of chicks and women. A chick is the female to avoid. Women are people to not avoid. We have very easy definitions for each. Chicks are females who... well "high maintenance" emotionally, who need you to be a mind reader. Women are "low maintenance" emotionally, who tell you like it is. It's a blurry definition but we know females of both types and there is a difference when you know what to look for. There is no physical difference, both can wear alot of makeup or wear no makeup. Both can dress up everyday or dress down. usually there is a mix of both in a group of friends, however the tension when all together can be carved with a steak knife.
....how did i get onto this subject?